So Scared

So I know it has been a long time since I have written here. But I am going to give you guys an update. I got a card from my estranged mother and her number was in it. It has been 13-14 years since I have spoken to my mother and heard her voice. Once I saw that number I dialed in my phone and stared at it for a good hour. My heart was rushing in fear, excitement, anger, and sadness. I had my thumb hovering over the call button and finally hit it. I was so close to hanging up out of fear until my mother picked up. You could hear the elation in her voice and she said I had made her day and Christmas. We caught up a little bit in the seven minutes we were talking and she said something I never wanted to hear but feared would be something I would eventually hear. She had had breast cancer over the summer, and though it was in remission, is going in for a diagnostic soon to make sure she is staying healthy. With my father having had died from cancer and my mother having cancer, I am now so very scared about having cancer. I have been shaking and crying since the conversation and cannot stop thinking about what I would do if I ever got cancer.

Anyways, that was just an update and hope all of you guys are doing well!

Nonsense

I want you to know… It gets better. It may not be okay right now, but it will get better. Trust me. Ha. But if you’re like me, you don’t even trust yourself. If you’re like me, you don’t even know who you are, except the depression that seems to suffocate you at times and others… leaves just as fast as it came. I feel as though I’m on top of the world sometimes, so close to finding out who I am, and breaking the chains of this foul kidnapper… but then he grabs ahold of me again and hides me from the light of day, locking me up inside his cage and making me his puppet, as he is the puppeteer and my voice, telling everyone I am okay… When I’m not. It may go away in it’s little box for awhile, but depression never goes away. And no. Don’t dare say I am crazy or mental. Because I’m not, okay? I don’t need to be treated differently and spoken to as if I am dumb, because I am not. I am just sick. And its a sickness, that doctors only want to prescribe medicine for or send me away to mental hospitals. But can’t you see! Depression stays with you always. It’s like the sun. Ha, I know. Funny comparison, but hear me out. Just like the sun is always out during the day and the moon is always out during the night, you don’t always see either. But most days you do. But there are some days that they’re covered by clouds. Just like the sun and the moon, depression is always there… it’s just sometimes, those clouds show up and mask it, for how long? Who knows… I only know that… Sometimes the happiest times I’ve lived through were when my depression was hidden behind some of those clouds.

And I’m not going to lie to you. Just like the clouds will be there one second and gone the next, it’s just like that for depression.  I woke up fine yesterday, I told myself, wondering why I didn’t even want to move on in life. When I told myself just the day before that I was someone worth loving, yet today I was telling myself that I was a waste of space and time. I don’t know. Nothing I am saying even makes sense to me… Why would it make sense to you?

I Love Him So Much, It Hurts…

I love him. I love him not. I love him…

I LOVE him.

Yet, I find myself asking, does he love you. And if he does, why do you love him so much it hurts? Is it because all you have ever known in love… is pain? That you’re anticipating the dreadful end that is bound to come.

That he will leave you just like the others have. That he will and does not love you, just like the others haven’t.

And many ask, “Well if you truly love him, shouldn’t you be happy? Shouldn’t that, like, override your anxiety and depression?”.

No. It almost makes my anxiety worse. I am worried that someone, and there is always that someone, who will be better than me, stronger, and smarter. So when will I ever be that someone? When will I ever be the one that makes someone fall so deeply in love, they panic because they feel like they’re drowning too?

 

See, I am drowning. Drowning in how much I utterly love him. I love him so much, that my thoughts make no sense, not even this post.

I love him so much that, just like the moons gravitational pull on the waves, I feel like he’s my moon, and I am his waves; hopelessly crashing against the other waves that so hungrily long to be closer to him. But maybe I am crazy. Maybe I am just blind. Maybe I am so caught up in the love I “think” I feel, and so desperately want to feel, that I am making myself believe that he loves me and wants me just as badly as I want him, but in reality, this image of love I have in my head, is what is driving him so far away. Maybe I am loving him too much, and drowning him in my love, just as I am drowning in my love for him…

 

But I will never know, because I have already drowned…

Lost a friend

I lost a close friend to suicide today. I wrote a poem to share my feelings. 

I’ve attempted,

Yes, I’ve tried,

This thing called suicide,

But until I lost a friend,

Did I understand,

It’s not the answer,

It’s a cancer.
You thought it would end the pain,

But I’m the end you had nothing to gain,

Because the pain lives on,

Even though you’re gone.
I can’t believe you took your life away,

I remember saying, “is your friend and I’m here to stay”,

Why didn’t you talk to me?

You see?

This pain is mine now,

Just… the question is how?

How do I go on?

Knowing there was more I could have done?

Thank you. I would love to hear any feed back.

The True Story

Quite a different story when you figure out that she’s dying. Slowly. The pain engulfing her, drowning her over and over again each day. When a new day dawns, in past days she’d wake, looking forward to making a new name for herself. But now understanding she’ll never change the way people look at her, she wakes and says nothing to anyone, so sure that it’d be ignored anyways. So she saves her dwindling supply of oxygen. Days wear on and she grows closer and closer to death. Looking more related to it than before. Her energy slack and her mood lacking, she decides she’s done with life, goes and fills the tub. The water is boiling hot, but death does not feel, so she slips in, fully clothed, the day never to see her face again, her mind reciting lines from her self written eulogy. 

“People may never see my face again, but they never saw it at all. But my face will haunt them, leaving them fear bound to their sheets at night. ‘ Who is this woman?’. The answer resounding, ‘suicidal sociopath’. Because I never was the same as you. Or was I normal and the world crazy?”

Addiction

People say that sadness is a feeling of choice. And for some it is. Others not so much. It’s a need, a want, almost like that if a cigarette. The nicotine like the blood that drips from the skin, leaving an acrid smell, yet comforting. It’s an addiction one wishes not to have, but the kiss of the blade across ones skin leaves a high, which nothing else can compare too. Yes, help can be acquired, but just like trying to quit smoking, it’s harder to quit the longer you’ve been doing it. It becomes part of you and when you relapse, you relapse hard. Your body quivers when it needs the metals cold kiss, and rejoices when red dew springs up onto the fragile flowers surface. 

Summer Downtime is My All Time Low Time

With summer, for some comes more responsibilities and others more free time. With this free time, I will be alotted more time to allow my mind to roam which in the end will leave me dead inside, no longer with the ability to function properly. Lack of motivation will get me as well, with my father, my motivator, gone. Summer isn’t my favorite season anymore…

Guilt Trip

Many of you know that I lost my father two months back, due to smoking and lung cancer. Well, I went to my job orientation and the manager asked if there was anyone who smoked. Only one person raised their hand, which was surprising in my mind. I piped up and looked at the young man and said, “My father passed away two months ago from smoking. Stop smoking now,”. The young man and the manager looked at me with mixed looks of horror and sadness. All the manager could say was that she was sorry and the man said that he had been trying.

Using the deepest and saddest part of you doesn’t have to bring you down, but lift you up by helping and saving others.

There’ll Be A Day…

There’ll be a day when you and I can be happy again. It might not be today and it might not be tomorrow, but depression isn’t what makes us. Our actions are what make us, are what shape us. If you make the right ones and choose the right roads, you’ll find the one that leads you to the light at the end of this dark tunnel of depression. Yes, depression suffocates until all life that surrounds you no longer has meaning, but if you give depression a meaning, it’ll only give it more reason to conquer and destroy all happiness it can find. Depression is like a coffee table. You see it there, know it’s there, try to not hit it, yet you stub your toe on it and then it hurts for a while afterwards. But just like stubbing your toe, you can get over the pain of depression. It is harder, yes, but not impossible. Now, I’m not diagnosed with depression, but having done my research and knowing what I have been through, I believe I have what is called, Manic Depression, or most commonly known as Bipolar Depression. I am not depressed all the time, with highs and lows, constant mood swings, then the relentless depressiveness hits. Some of you may say that if I am not diagnosed, I shouldn’t run a blog about it nor should I say I have something I haven’t been diagnosed with. Oddly enough to say, it’s kinda like love. You just know. And just like love, sometimes it’s not right, but without knowing my background or anything really about me, trust me when I say that I know. Now, I run this blog because me helping those with depression helps me feel better knowing I am hopefully making a change in the world because not enough people address depression for what it is and make fun of it, which in the end is nothing to make fun of. Depression is a deadly emotional offset, but I am here to help, and always will be and like I said above, there’ll be a day when we are no longer as depressed whether we are here on Earth feeling happy, or have passed. There are people who want to listen to you because we care. You need to take notice of those people and take advantage of their services and help yourself. Please, and I mean PLEASE, love yourself because I love you and others as well love you. There is someone out there who loves you, and now knowing that, don’t break their heart just so they feel what you feel. I LOVE YOU. I am here to help and just message me if you need because I’m only a message and a call away.

Blindness

Everyone is blind. Yes, even you over there with the 20/20 vision. Just because you can see, doesn’t mean you aren’t blind. Most vision impaired people’s ace their other senses heightened so much that if someone is upset, they can feel it instead of seeing it. But people who can see yet are blind, are blind to the world. Their hearts cold and unfeeling, the pain that they see everyday causing this blindness. Everyone experiences being blind a different way. But it all comes down to this. We all had/have/will have depression at some point in our lives. It just depends on how we use it, whether we heighten our other senses, or we become completely blind.